Bail bonding is a serious line of work, so every now and then, we like to pause for a moment and take a more light-hearted look at things. We hope you enjoy these four humorous stories of criminals who had to make do with limited weapon options.
This Sauce is The Bomb
Ophelia Neal of Michigan wanted to rob a bank and decided that a bomb threat was the best way to intimidate the teller into handing over the cash. So she strapped a bomb bag over her shoulder, entered the bank, and got the money. Neal even had a getaway driver waiting to rush her away after the heist. Unfortunately for Neal, the cops caught up to her and discovered that the “bomb” was simply a pair of spaghetti sauce jars.
Marvin Hill, Jr. of Iowa was charged with simple domestic assault after striking his pregnant girlfriend in the face with a McChicken sandwich. Apparently, his girlfriend woke him up and gave him the sandwich, but Hill was not a fan of McChickens. He threw the sandwich at her, then smashed the bun into her face. Hill later claimed self-defense, but the police weren’t having it. Come on, the sandwich couldn’t have been worse than jail food, right?
Whole Bird Bludgeoning
Californian Drew Warner flew into an inexplicable rage one night, and attacked his female friend with a whole raw chicken! When police arrived, the woman was bleeding and visibly upset. They found Warner soon thereafter by following a trail of bloody clothing he had shed after the incident. Warner was held on $50,000 bail.
The Meat Fu Master
Michael Baker of Boston was snooping around an alleyway, looking for things to take. When he found a 10-gallon barrel filled with food items, he lost his mind and began looking for a way to transport his newly-acquired goods. This led to him attempting to steal a bicycle by swinging a string of frozen sausages, nunchuck-style, at a cyclist’s head, leaving the cyclist with several facial lacerations. Baker was arrested and charged with assault with a dangerous weapon.
If you ever find yourself on the wrong side of the law, please call us as soon as possible so that we can get you out and let you get on with your life!